07/08/2017

Anchor


An anchor is someone who shares an emotional connection with you, someone who can bring you back and keep you grounded; someone whose touch does not burn your skin, whose kisses and hugs and warmth allow you to breathe despite standing in the middle of what feels like a battlefield made of Life. An anchor is more than just a fictional myth found in Teen Wolf. It's real and I know it.

My life is a horrid mess. I'm not saying this so you can pat me in the back and tell me it's okay because it's not. I am also aware that other people are struggling too but that does not make mine any less important. My mental health and the toxicity I have to endure every time I return from work with a tired mind and sore back, my emotionally manipulative and abusive father who is sort of an asshole to his wife and daughter, my family's financial issues and business going downhill — things are not okay. They are far beyond okay. And for someone like me who grew up being told to keep quiet and endure every shit people put me through instead of allowing emotions to sabotage my actions, I was pretty good at bottling things up. I still am.

We all know what happens when you bottle things up. When it's filled to its brim, it will spill. Sooner or later, it will. When it spills, there is nothing you can do except to let the water flow. And this time, when it happened, I did not fight back like I used to. My voice trembled and my lips quivered. I hid my face and my mind was running 100 miles per hour. Loud noises of cars and footsteps of people around me grew louder, I felt myself panicking, breath short and lightheaded. My boyfriend, H was with me and we were at the lobby of a mall when it happened. I cried buckets.

I don't like people touching me, let alone hug me. But when he does it, it feels different. Always does. He told me all sorts of things, tried to bring my mind back to rationality. My thoughts were running in different directions, I wasn't thinking straight. He made me looked at him. His eyes were brown, so much brown and a contrast to my extremely dark brown, almost black eyes. He looked at me with sadness and concern and..was that love? I'm not a romantic but I think that was it...or at least I hope it is. I let him hugged me and shielded my face from the crowd. Although this may sound extremely cheesy and stupid, he is probably the only person who can calm my temper down. Without a doubt, I've always described him as the alkali that will neutralize my acidity.

Most of the time, we think that we don't deserve the attention, the endearment, the love. This is how I feel 99.9% of the time. I have always been my worst critic, my worst offender. I cannot find it in me that is worth loving but he does. My words run on irony when I tell people to appreciate themselves and yet, I can't seem to do it towards myself. But he does it just fine and definitely way better than I ever could. As silly as this sounds, sometimes there's just that one special person who makes it slightly less heavier to take a step forward as they guide you through this journey called life.

Who is your anchor?






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