21/06/2017

I Thought About Quitting


Last week, a thought came across my mind: maybe I should stop blogging.

Two months ago, I wrote a post about The Internet People where I talked about my fear of staying online and maintaining my existence inside this grid. I mentioned about miscommunication, misunderstanding and misinterpretation that often happen when you decide to engage in a conversation or discussion online. I talked about how honesty and raw thoughts can get you virtually killed, how it is a lot safer to just pretend like you are not interested in any stressful, sensitive propaganda and post a status about cute animals and funny posts instead. In that post I mentioned about how I have been around the internet wearing the danger badge on my chest, like a rebel who chose to side with the resistance army who believe in unfiltered thoughts, raw honesty and true to my words. I told myself I don't want to shut up, told myself that I want to say the things I have in my mind and ask the questions hanging by the tip of my tongue.

That was before I had to face internet drama caused by miscommunication and misinterpretation.

These past few days I have been thinking: am I a bad person? Am I as vile as they made me sound? Am I too hostile? Should I quit blogging and learn to keep my mouth shut and my mind ignorant? Honestly though, it doesn't matter what I think anymore because I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know if I should continue to write, continue to speak up, continue to have an opinion for anything and everything or just....stop. A small voice, the one wrapped in fear and anxiety, is telling me I should.

I hear and see people talk about how they believe in freedom of perspectives and yet, not all of them can seem to apply it all that much. I'm no saint and I don't claim to be one so here I am, admitting to you with head held high and unarmed hands that I, too, have difficulty accepting other people's opinions. While I don't claim myself to be better than those who hide behind their angelic facade and pretending like they are made of snowflakes and rainbow sprinkles, I am going to admit that I do have my ugly moments. Granted, every one of us has our ugly side. I'm just someone who wants to be open about it instead of pretending to be an angel.

There was a point in my life where I couldn't help but think about them, about me, about us as a person. I think about how maybe, as a person, we just want our opinions to matter the most and maybe that's why some of us get so defensive when someone who carries a different opinion than us shows up. Maybe it has something to do with our ego as human beings, maybe it's that proud feeling we have when we see someone agrees to what we say and we want people to side with us.

I don't know, maybe I think too much.

I get accused told for not being able to carve ideal sentences. I get misinterpreted, a lot. I get misunderstood, a little too much. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them. Who knows. I am not going to mention names, nor do I want to mention anyone. If you happen to be someone whose feelings I have hurt unintentionally because I'm a fool who cannot form a proper sentence, I'm sorry. I really am. I tweet a lot, I talk a lot and I have too much opinions I cannot seem to contain myself. I like to joke that this is part of being an INTJ, that I will always have opinions about anything and everything and even if you don't believe in personality tests, believe it when I say as an INTJ, I tend to speak and carve my words with my brain and never really my heart. Maybe that's why my words come out harsh to some people and maybe this is why they think I was invalidating them when I never meant to.

Sometimes, I want to defend myself. I want to tell them that they don't know me in real life and they don't know how my tone sounds in real life. I want to let them know that when I get comfortable around someone, that's when they'll see me at my fullest; my sass, my sarcasm, my wit everything, really. I also want to tell them that I am capable of being told from a place of love, that they don't have to point out my flaws with a loaded gun against my forehead. And yet... I don't want to get accused twice. I don't want people to come at me with a butter knife and say, "stop defending your flaws. You make me sick." I am torn between wanting to defend myself and not wanting to sound like a privileged douche. What if, when I defend myself for believing I am right, I end up inflicting more pain to the other party? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I am the one who has to apologize.

So I did. I apologize if my sense of humor does not float your boat, if my sass sounds like I'm forcing my opinions on you, if my sarcasm sounds like a hostile predicament. I know we cannot please everyone and that not everybody is going to love us but still, I feel like I should apologize. I guess I'm just apologizing for being, well... me.

And to you who is currently reading this post, I apologize for this depressing rant.



In regards to blogging,

I don't think I can completely quit. I love my blog and I love to write. I guess I'll just pour my entire, fully detailed opinions on this blog. I'm trying to limit myself from being too chatty on social media, especially on Twitter. That's not to say I'm not going to tweet anymore or that I'm not going to talk about things because I still will, just more restricted and limited than before. This includes engaging in a conversation with other people too.

If you dislike or hate me, feel free to unfollow. The exit door is only a few clicks away. And if you don't like me loafing around your blog, you can say so too.

P.S — this post is not meant to offend, indirectly call out or mention anyone. this is just a general opinion I have regarding the internet, people and staying online. do not take this the wrong way.

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