Have you ever wondered how the person you once thought as a friend (or best friend, even) could end up becoming your acquaintance and maybe, stranger as well? I've had my fair share of friendship that did not work out. I've had experiences taught me things like how people always come and go, how trust is earned and not given and how loyalty can easily be taken for granted. The thing is, after all the experiences I had during my years of growing up, I thought I knew how to keep myself safe by carefully selecting the friends I opened up to.
And I did. I kept my guard up and selected three people to be my best friends and gave my heart, trust and loyalty to — my boyfriend A, my best friend N and another person, Q. It was only recently that the "three musketeers" list had to be reduced to "two musketeers" because I had a repercussion with Q. I don't know if I was the one being dramatic but I'd rather be called dramatic than to shove away my feelings and call them invalid. I had asked N for her opinion and she said that Q shouldn't have said the things she said, that her words were not very understanding to me and my condition.
It wasn't a very nice conversation at the end of the day, however, I tried to be as civilized as possible by telling her about why her words upset me. I told her it has always been difficult for me to trust someone and open up to them. Growing up, I've always been a loner who keeps things to herself. To have someone I trust shoved my problems away kind of made me realize that no one really stays and even if there is one, that person is the golden needle in a haystack — kind of like my boyfriend and N, really. They are amazing people that changed my life and perspective of things.
Q apologized for being such a b*tch but I chose not to reply, not anymore. It was exhausting, to say the least and I found myself disappointed again for the nth time in my life. I don't hate her per se but things won't be the same anymore. I will never be able to look at her the same and I don't think I want to go back to what we had before. It was a bunch of good, hilarious, sister-like memories but things change, people change and friendship fails sometimes.
And honestly, it's okay. It's okay to part ways with people you can no longer handle, it's okay to protect yourself by avoiding some people that may be bad news for you. I am still thankful for the fun midnight chats I had with Q, the sassy humor we both shared, the time we spilled our thoughts to each other at 3 am in the morning. She is a fun person, just not someone that fits my life.
N said that it's Q's loss for losing a best friend. That's a very nice thing to say, isn't it. N always know the right things to say, the right solution and advice to give — she's such a bomb, to be honest. The fallout I had with Q also made me realize certain things in life that I'd like to note,
- N and I fit way better than I could ever was with Q. I mean, I've always known this but it makes me appreciate N even further.
- No matter how careful you are in selecting a friend, friendship breakup is inevitable. Just like relationship, friendship is as difficult — if not twice as difficult to maintain. Any factor, any incident can cause friendship to falls apart.
- The more friendship breakup you have to face, the wiser you get in your judgment. If breakups in romantic relationship could teach you a lesson to be more careful when it comes to choosing a partner, friendship breakups work almost similar. The more friendship breakups I had face in the past, the more cautious and guarded I am. Although that sounds like a bad idea, it's part of my defense mechanism.
Everyone has a different way of coping when it comes to friendship breakup but I know we've all been there at some point in our lives. We survived, didn't we? We walked away and continue with our lives, continue to believe that there will be that one friend who'd stick around regardless.
I've found mine and I do hope you find yours.
images via yellowtrace